Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The air was thick with penises
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
