all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
