Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
