my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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