I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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