can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
