Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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