Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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