Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
