the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
