i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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