Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
