apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
