Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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