i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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