Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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