At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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