You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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