Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
