I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
