i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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