from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
