if i can run in heels then i can drive
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize