My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
