just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
