between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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