I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
