and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
