the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
