so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
