So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
