Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
