There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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