i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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