Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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