i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
