I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
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