If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
