He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
