It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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