The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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