Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
