watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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