is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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