i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
