I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
