The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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