i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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