I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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