I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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