just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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