you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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