you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
