I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
