Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
